Are you experiencing the heartache and sadness that come from conflict in a close relationship? Perhaps you have even encountered the awful damage and expense of a divorce or other relationship breakup. Everyone has suffered the effects of relationship failure at various times. But it is certainly possible to set up your relationships to experience happiness. Would you like to feel the spirit of love and peace in your home every day? Many people have learned how.

Meaningful relationships are what life is about. How many people say on their deathbed that they wish they had spent more time at work? When regrets happen late in life, it’s almost always about not connecting well with family members. But what is it that keeps us from connecting well with others, especially at home? And what is it that is always underneath relationship failure?

Fear

John Gottman did landmark longitudinal research about relationship failure. In 1986, he and his colleagues built an apartment laboratory at the University of Washington that was dubbed the “Love Lab.” This is where they discovered the basis of friendship and intimacy and its relation to conflict. Damage to relationships from fear and anger played out as an important finding of decades of research. And since fear is usually the primary feeling beneath anger, we are left with fear as the primary destructive emotion.

Dr. Gottman concluded that damage happens in relationships when couples persist in engaging in discussion while their heart rates are elevated above 90 to 100 Beats per Minute (BPM). In fact, the more physiologically aroused couples were the more their marriages deteriorated in happiness over a three-year period.   The more “diffusely physiologically aroused” (in other words, in “fight/flight” mode) someone is during a conflict conversation, the more his or her marital satisfaction is likely to decline during a period of three years. They were also much more likely to eventually split up.

An interesting discovery was that a 20-minute break, in which couples stopped talking and just read magazines (as their heart rates returned to baseline), dramatically changed the discussion so that people could re-access their sense of humor and affection.

In 1999 Dr. Gottman published his results for the general public in his landmark book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. This book, co-authored by Nan Silver, remains “mandatory reading” for the couples, who come to me for relationship therapy.

The Four Apocalypse Horsemen

In his book, Dr. Gottman exposes four deadly patterns for couples. He calls them “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Dr. Gottman uses this metaphor to describe communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship.

1. Criticism — This is an attack on your partner at their core. In effect, you are dismantling his or her whole being when you criticize. In essence you are saying they are personally bad, rather than offering feedback or critique about their behavior. Criticism invites defensiveness.

2. Defensiveness — This is usually a result of the other person using criticism. When we feel accused unjustly, we fish for excuses so that our partner will back off. But that doesn’t work. All it does is invite more criticism as your partner hears excuses and thinks you’re weaseling out.

3. Contempt — This horseman is treating others with disrespect. Frequent contemptuous behaviors are: mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling.

4. Stonewalling — This occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction. In other words, stonewalling is when one person shuts down and closes himself/herself off from the other. It can include tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive behaviors. This is the most dangerous horseman. It is usually the result of the other three having been going on long enough that one or (rarely) both partners resort to it. Stonewalling (usually done by the man) often occurs when the heart rate exceeds 100 BPM.

Each of these horsemen is based on fear; and Dr. Gottman measured that fear biologically through heart rate.

Fear Base

The two primary core fears are:
1. Fear of Failure, the fear that I won’t be good enough to belong, and
2. Fear of Loss, the fear that life won’t be good enough.

If you consider these core fears long enough, you will find that they are underneath motives and emotions emotions which are damaging to relationships. Notable damaging fear-based emotions are: anger, greed, pride, and selfishness.

Either or both of these core fears will be motivating the various Horsemen. You may learn more about your core fears by taking the free Hartman Fear Assessment at http://a.claritypointcoaching.com/?id=79571B8B-58A8-4FBE-9480-CF297F6898E1.

Fear Base of the Four Horsemen

Defensiveness is motivated primarily from Fear of Failure. We get defensive when we believe that someone is not valuing or validating us, particularly when we believe they challenge us. We then feel judged and/or criticized and perceive that we need to defend our value.

Fear of Loss may rarely also be motivating Defensiveness. I may fear that I need to defend my security of time, money, position, etc. and become defensive. 

Criticism comes from Fear of Failure. Many of us have a mistaken core belief that we are only good enough when we are superior to others (Superiority Complex). So we judge and/or put others down in a subconscious attempt to prop up our own value.

Contempt is also motivated by Fear of Failure as we judge ourselves as superior. It is the lack of compassion; the disdainful act of dismissing a person’s contributions or even their value; in essence, blowing someone off.  It is often accompanied by sarcastic or otherwise insulting invectives.

Stonewalling is reported by Dr. Gottman as the most damaging Horseman. So it can be seen as ultimately motivated by either or both of the primary core fears. It is often the result of engaging in the other horsemen long enough that the person finally pulls away. I may fear personal failure or loss when I am stonewalling. It is avoidance of a fearful engagement and the opposite of compassionate connection. It is fear based rather than love and trust based

For more information about the Gottman Institute and their research go to https://www.gottman.com/.